running

the water was warm and deep, especially for a six-year-old. what was going through my head, i’m not exactly sure. even at that young of an age i knew the stories, i knew the facts. hell was scary, God was fantastical, sin was bad, and i liked orange candy.

not much changed for a few years.

fast forward to puberty. my family moved to a new town and joined a new church. despite being afflicted with an exceptional obsession with band and an advanced case of awkwardness (which i’m not entirely certain i have been fully cured of), i somehow managed to nudge my way into the church kids group. this is how it was. disciple now events, wednesday night youth activities, and youth choir filled my time at church. as i grew i began to understand more about what i had decided on years ago. God was great, He was good, and we thanked Him for our food. i prayed for this, he would answer that. hell was still scary and to fit in you needed to listen to country music.

i didn’t realize that my feet were standing in a children’s pool instead of an ocean of faith.

enter high school.

still awkward, still a church kid, still obsessed with band. add only black clothing and bands you’ve never heard of and you get a basic image. it’s interesting to see the affects of what you put into your body. my mind went to other places as i was introduced to new ideas and discoveries. through my own actions, i began to make non-existent wiggle room in a faith that was only a puddle deep. i still knew all the stories, i knew the lessons, i knew it all back and forth (or so i thought). i was one of those kids on wednesday nights jumping to the songs in front of the praise band. i knew how it all went. i went all through the motions.

and then

late teens come around and i’m far from the young child sitting in that warm baptism water. remember what i mentioned about how it’s interesting to see the affects of what you allow into your body? well i was full. full of apathy, full of my plans, full of doubt, full of self-hatred, full of worry, full of anger. i was so full i was empty. i ran from myself, my problems, and the One who was there in the beginning. i couldn’t accept myself let alone a Savior who’s unconditional love and grace was so ready to drench me.

and one wednesday night, i got up and left, and didn’t look back.

…

two years passed.

i decided that i knew better. i decided that i knew who i was. i judged without regard and thought only of myself. i built a house of cards on top of a foundation made of friends and school. everything was great. the One who created the universe became the butt of a joke, an old man in the sky. churchgoers were pricks and bigots, and i wanted nothing to do with them.

isn’t it interesting when the foundations we set up begin to show signs of wear? what about when one of the legs holding our own personal table of life suddenly collapses?

enter stage left: early 2009

my table of life suddenly lost a leg. and down came my house of cards as the table i set up teetered ever so slightly.

you know, it’s hard to build a house of cards on a leaning surface.

this was a dim period. the mistakes and bad choices all seemed to come back full circle. good times.

…

i remember the night well. alone in my dorm room, bottom bunk, i was finishing homework listening to an amazing band called sigur ros and a song came on. it wasn’t even remotely religious in any way, not to mention it was in icelandic. but something started tugging at me.

i felt it.

i looked up at my bookshelf. nudged among theoretical physics books and fantasy novels was a thick burgundy, leather-bound book. picking it up and flipping through it, i stumbled across notes written from years ago. a passage was written down.

Matthew 5:1-12
“Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:
‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.’”

i knew the stories, the lessons, the songs, the notes, when to stand and sit. i knew how to do it all but i had no idea. i was reminded of a young boy sitting in the warm water in an old church. i was reminded of what should have mattered, of who i should have wanted to be. the passage is not the typical “moment of realization” set of verses, but something about the music, the setting. something was up. and i knew.

and i did.

if i was never saved before, i was then. i repented and rededicated myself to the One who made me and knows me better than i do.

you remember the parable about the lost son who takes his inheritance money and lives the “fast” life for a while but eventually ended up with the pigs? you remember how one day he swallowed his pride and came back to his father who met him with tears streaming down his face, embracing him, overjoyed that his lost son had come back home? remember how Jesus said that is how our Father is when his lost children come back home? yeah he wasn’t  joking.

for some reason beyond my understanding, He took me back.

i came tired and lonely and He took me back.

i came broken and confused and He took me back.

the same arms that created the universe were now holding me, not a cheap table i set up.

and i began to find that the Word that i had “known” was far more amazing than i had ever realized. this was the beginning of what i now can’t go a day without, a time with just me and my Lord in His Word. if you don’t do a quiet time, trust me, it’s one of the best things ever.

…

a few weeks passed and realized that i couldn’t go it alone anymore. i also realized that simply doing my own quiet time wasn’t enough. that was spiritual snacking, and i was malnourished. it was time to go public. it was time to go back to the place i had been avoiding. but i didn’t want to do it by myself.

but you know God is amazing, right? he provided exactly what i needed.

friends who love the Lord.

friends who encourage.

friends who took me to a wednesday night Bible study.

you know how they say that Christians can't go it alone? it’s true. we need each other for real. we need a church family and home. and what began as just a place on wednesdays turned into a real home.

fast forward to may 17, 2009.

i stood in a oversized robe with three other guys. two of which were some great friends of mine. one after the other, dunked in succession. it was my turn. i took off my glasses and walked toward the water. a thousand thoughts ran through my head right before i took my first step…

the water was cold and deep. they forgot to turn on the heater. i looked out into the nice, large sanctuary. i couldn’t see much without my glasses but i knew a lot of people were there that day. the pastor asked those who were family and friends of mine to stand. i could hear them stand up but i couldn’t see who. then i took a quick breath.

i know now that i don’t know everything. i realized that the arms of the Father are always open, waiting for His wandering children and the lost to come home. however, it's out decision to choose to follow through and decide. it's either our way, or God’s way. there is no middle ground.
the One who was fantastical became the Almighty Father. the Word was not a group of stories anymore, but a handbook for life. and i realized that i’ll never be perfect and i can’t make any promises, especially to God. i realized that away from Jesus, there really is nothing else out there for us.

however, after all that time one thing never changed.

 i still like orange candy.

                    

 -- luke

*****

i just ran into a few someone's today
someone's that i never really knew
and i used to think how i had them all so figured out

but no, none of it's true 'cause i never knew You
and now the truth of it is, is i wanna be like You
so hello, Good Friend, i wanna be next to You
for my head, for my heart, for what's true

so i'm burning the thoughts of the things that i once said
because You tore down the walls that the world has put inside my head
and i  just get sick of the things that we think, we think we know

and no, none of it's true 'cause i never knew You
and now the truth of it is, is i wanna be like You
so hello, Good Friend, I wanna be next to You
for my head, for my heart, for what's true

so take me and save me and change me and then make me
and embrace me and then brave my heart for You
no, no, 'cause I can't go on without You
and it's time for something new oh oh

and no, none of it's true 'cause i never knew You
and now the truth of it is, is i wanna be like You
so hello, Good Friend, I wanna be next to You
for my head, for my heart, for what's true

and as they strolled along
my heart broke out in song
from all the things and the thoughts and assumptions that i had wrong
so now i'll be on my way to make this claim
i'll make it famous in every way
i'll make it stay when I will say that...

oh no, none of it's true 'cause i never knew You
and now the truth of it is, is i wanna be like You
so hello, Good Friend, I wanna be next to You
for my head, for my heart, for what's true

- “never knew” by the rocket summer