how to lose friends.

My big thing in life has always been getting people to like me. I know that seems surprising because I'm shy and awkward and uncoordinated and just one of those special people, but it's true. I usually want nothing more than for people to approach me with a compliment or a hug or a big ol' grin and tell me how happy they are to see me, and how much they like me, and how important I am to the continued prosperity of Louisiana Tech University and/or Sonic Drive-In and/or The United States of America, you know. I daydream about it. I want people to be sad to see me go. Even if it's just to the restroom or something dumb like that. I want things to fall apart when I'm not around, so I can always be around.

And I know that's probably something that should be shared with a therapist instead of the internet, but I'm hoping I can take this in a good direction.

I was doing pretty good at making friends last year. People liked me, they thought I was occasionally funny and cool enough to hang out with every once in a while, so I was plenty fine. Whenever I felt lonely there was always someone I could chill with until I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I had fallen in with a great group. We even had a name for ourselves, and we watched movies and talked about life. We laughed together, and when we watched the Sex in the City movie we cried together, and we cried together some more when we were dealing with stuff.

And we had nicknames. Goofy, irreverent nicknames that didn't really make any kind of sense.

Those were the people who finally made me understand that of friendship and romance, friendship is the necessity. Romance is optional.

But I think I've lost them (well, most of them). We still say "hi" and hug each other, but we don't hang out like we used to. We don't laugh or cry like we used to. And its my fault. I stopped cussing, and then I stopped talking dirty, and then I stopped gossiping, and then I got frustrated when they didn't stop, and then I lost them. They think I've got a stick up my butt. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices, and sometimes I come back to my dorm and cry about it like a little girl.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get them to like me again. I want them to, because I love them. But I'm not willing to compromise on this... I'm not going to start cussing again just to get them to like me, I'm not going to talk smack about someone I've never met just to get them to laugh.

They're great people. Golden. Completely supportive of my faith, and all growing in their own... we did a lot of growing last year. But I'm beginning to wonder if this is how things were meant to happen with them. Maybe we're just not the kind of people who are meant to be lifelong friends. I got a lot from them and I hope they got a lot from me, but I'm moving in my own direction and they're moving in six other directions, and that's okay.

Being with them made it a lot easier to make new friends on my own. If there's anything that I am this year that I wasn't last year it's independent. Last year I was a mushy blob of melodramatic goo, the sticky kind that moves like a molasses and super-glue cocktail. I was clingy and neurotic and I can't imagine I was very much fun to be around. I'm still not much fun to be around, but at least I don't text people every five minutes and wonder if they're all huddled up together talking about how much they hate me.

Okay, maybe I do sometimes, but a lot less than I did last year. I now consider myself emotionally stable for three weeks out of the month, and the single week of instability is due to lady problems, when I'll cry at the drop of a hat or at a dramatic dog food commercial, you know. But that's hormones, not me.

And now... when I set out to make friends, my motive behind friendship isn't to get people to like me, it's to reflect God. It's to be transparent. To show people that me is God living through me, and that I'm really not some brainless girl who reads books that she thinks makes her look smart (just to look smart) and who agonizes over what clothes to wear and how much perfume to put on and whether or not the shoes match the outfit (even when it's just a t-shirt and jeans).

--SaVanna